What I want

Today Daddy and I went for a scenic walk in the mountains. Daddy bought me my favorite tea leaves and dark chocolate coated coffee beans. We strolled through a beautiful garden veiled in Autumn colors. I was surrounded by a whole lot of natural beauty today. It was sunny and warm for the end of Autumn. The trees were dressed in beautiful shades of green, red, orange and yellow. We had a majestic view of the mountains and hills in the distance veiled with delicate clouds.

I think soaking in some beauty was therapeutic for me. But in the midst of a perfect day, I was still anxious, my body tense and muscles sore. I felt like I was bracing for something. I had made the decision to not do any work this weekend but I was still super stressed out.

I thought about what I wanted in life. For years and years, I’ve worked and worried about getting a job that will help me pay for the basic needs of life; food, water, heating. accommodation, a car, medical bills. I didn’t have my sights on being able to go on holidays overseas, interstate or even within my own state. All I was paranoid about was being able to survive. The stress and fear of not being able to afford basic necessities in the future really ate away at me. I found it hard to really enjoy life and think about anything other than my career or the cost of having kids.

What I want in this life is a deep and healthy relationship with Daddy, with my friends, maybe with my family, with God, with my Mother, and with myself. I want peace. I want to love and to know that I am loved. I want to live without the fear that my basic needs will be stripped away at any moment.

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Trying to stay above water

Woman-Floating-Underwater

I haven’t journaled in ages. I feel like a completely different person now compared to how I was in February. I remember when I blogged a lot. I had all this clarity and emotion and rage and love and peace to pour out onto the page. And then the term started and I turned to journaling with paper and pen instead of on my computer. As the weeks went by, I wrote less and less in my little notebook. And then not at all. I don’t think I’ve written anything that’s been on my heart for weeks now. And I feel unheard. I feel like no one is listening to my heart, not God, not my Mother, and not worst of all not myself.

I keep finding things to do, shows to watch, music to listen to to drown out my inner vulnerable scared excited little toddler. I browse my FB feed and watch YouTube. I research things that don’t mean anything to me. Anything to keep me from slowing down for long enough to hear the cries and screams inside. I sleep. I sleep a lot. I drank a lot too. When I got tired of seeking activity to distract myself, I chose to be unconscious. And I started wishing to die. I got really tired of living. I still am now.