Today Daddy and I went for a scenic walk in the mountains. Daddy bought me my favorite tea leaves and dark chocolate coated coffee beans. We strolled through a beautiful garden veiled in Autumn colors. I was surrounded by a whole lot of natural beauty today. It was sunny and warm for the end of Autumn. The trees were dressed in beautiful shades of green, red, orange and yellow. We had a majestic view of the mountains and hills in the distance veiled with delicate clouds.
I think soaking in some beauty was therapeutic for me. But in the midst of a perfect day, I was still anxious, my body tense and muscles sore. I felt like I was bracing for something. I had made the decision to not do any work this weekend but I was still super stressed out.
I thought about what I wanted in life. For years and years, I’ve worked and worried about getting a job that will help me pay for the basic needs of life; food, water, heating. accommodation, a car, medical bills. I didn’t have my sights on being able to go on holidays overseas, interstate or even within my own state. All I was paranoid about was being able to survive. The stress and fear of not being able to afford basic necessities in the future really ate away at me. I found it hard to really enjoy life and think about anything other than my career or the cost of having kids.
What I want in this life is a deep and healthy relationship with Daddy, with my friends, maybe with my family, with God, with my Mother, and with myself. I want peace. I want to love and to know that I am loved. I want to live without the fear that my basic needs will be stripped away at any moment.